Victim....blaming?

I really would like to write about the dude I ran into last week that told me that women who get raped are to blame for it.... but for some reason, I cannot bring myself to do it. Not in any way that would actually matter, anyway. Because I got so furious at his comment that I couldn't complete a sentence afterward other than to tell him that I had nothing to say to him.

If I wear a short skirt, that's not an invitation.

If I drink a beer, that's not granting permission.

If I kiss you, that's not a cover-all consent.

If I'm on a date with you, it's not a guarantee of sex.

If I dance with you, it doesn't mean I'm going home with you.

If I invite you over, that's not to be taken as granting access to anything except my kitchen. And possibly my bottle of bourbon.

If I tell you to stop, it needs to stop. And if it doesn't, that's rape.

I'm so tired of people assuming that rapes happen at night, in dark alleys; that they're committed by strangers that break into homes or assault you on your way home. That's the stereotype, and it's not accurate. Something like 80% of rapes are committed by acquaintances, and I think that's what ticked me off the most: in discussing this issue with others, the image of rape is almost exclusively tied to the stranger-in-a-dark-alley concept. Date rape, acquaintance rape, so-called "gray rape" isn't even considered. And that's a serious problem.

Changing the mental picture of rape is crucial to changing the victim-blaming mindset. If we only consider stranger rape to be rape, that negates the experiences of women (myself included) who have been taken advantage of by their friends, boyfriends, lovers, husbands, and partners. It's becoming more apparent to me that for the most part, the men I know don't consider my rape to actually be rape. Because I'd been on a date; because I'd invited him in; because we'd kissed; because of a thousand things. Fact is, I told him to stop, and he didn't. That's it. I wasn't in a dark alley. There wasn't a knife or a gun. And you know what? It wasn't my fault.

I'm sick of people thinking that it was.

If I can change one person's mind, that's all I ask.